At the start of this week I caught a small cold, and I had this weird opportunity:
My subconscious pushed through two options for me:
I could “push through and be responsible” or I could “play hookie and rest”
And then I was like wait, hold up.
Why would pushing through be the responsible choice?
Why was I equating being responsible with overriding my body's needs???
How interesting, another layer of this programming.
What my subconscious got the chance to realize was this: I had been taught that “the responsible thing” would be to do my “obligations” if I could stand at all.
As a kid I began to believe that I was not capable of being responsible because I required so much care, I needed too much, I was too needy. I couldn’t possibly be responsible and care for myself at the same time.
(There’s that black and white separate thinking that comes from religion, patriarchy, wyt supremacy)
The past 8 months I have been taking radically good care of myself:
Early bedtime, less screen time, more veggies, light movement, meditation, daily vitamin and probiotic ritual, Reading good books, flossing, and Sobriety.
Eight months of sobriety.
I feel good, and it’s taken a lot of care.
I have felt hella needy, and each time I would feel like “good god this is a lot to care for me” I would gently hear my inner mother whisper
“you deserve to be cared for like this”
This has been my mantra as I have been mothering myself in a new way.
So, I took the day off, and did my best to rest.
Each time guilt crept in that I “should” be doing more because I’m not literally incapacitated, I would say to myself
“whatever you do you must make yourself feel guilty for every second”
and I would just laugh and laugh.
What a silly (and deeply understandable and valid) pattern for me to have.
It is a very different pattern to allow rest, to nurture ourselves, to allow ourselves to be needy and messy.
It is against all of the Patriarchal and Religious ideologies that we have breathed in from day one.
If you are trying to rest, seeking to care for yourself, to relate to yourself as a whole ass person, I see you. I know how challenging it can be.
This is why I focus on this in my 1:1 Self-Relationship coaching work.
If you’re ready to divest from religious and patriarchal ways of being,
Click here and let’s chat.